10 hilarious catholic jokes 10 hilarious catholic jokes

Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins? To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! Mary says, "I want to be a prostitute!" Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" The Catholic said mine is powerful, the Buddhist said, no, mine is powerful. Read up on our religious jokes, Christian Jokes and more that will have you laughing in church . So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! A boy is getting all Ds and Fs in math so his parents send him to Catholic school. Ya think it's me?" The Mormon stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! "Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Can You Match These Saints to Their Weird Patronages? The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. Others were so-so thanks for the good laugh though! The Jew boasts about his fertility "What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?" I narrowly lost a race to a female Catholic. Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute." Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?" "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. The Pope goes to New York. The local parish had a fairly new priest. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. Enjoy this collection of religious jokes. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. Watch on. He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should." Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump." Powered by Invision Community. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?" Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is. The friend asks, Well, did you get the money?, He replies, Oh, thats all you people think about, isnt it!?. A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.His parents were not religious but after a friends suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. Which would you like to hear first? He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it. I said, "God loves you. That makes it so convenient for your church members. Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one.". The abbot asks, Is that it? 26022. Uploaded: 08/20/2013. He's done it again!". Become a Catholic priest and get them now. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. "Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917." God, O.P. Bring on the Lent jokes. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- asks the nun, totally shocked. Jesus: Remember that fishing club Ive started 2000 years ago? After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Yeah sure," the bishop responds. They like to show how many people can crawl out of them. Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." But the Pope persists, "Please?" And I pushed him off. Sincerely, Everybody loves a good laugh. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. The good news, responds the Holy Father. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. I'm Jewish" He tops his shot and it goes screaming along the ground toward the lake. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. Thanks to their partnership in our mission, we reachmore than 20 million unique users per month! Many of the catholic catholic irish puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. St. Peter: Theres a dude standing outside who claims hes your representative on earth., God: I dont have a representative on earth, not that I know of Wait, Ill ask Jesus. (yells for Jesus), Jesus: Wait, Ill go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.. A young Jewish boy, being an obedient son, goes to the bakery to deliver a message from his mother to a very busy and very overworked baker. At one point, he asked the Catholic priest, "What language does the Western Church use in its liturgies? Need a laugh? 10:47 PM - 07 Feb 2016. Jared shook his head. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. Your tummies might be grumbly, but spending time together will help the fast pass more quickly, and you can consider that grumbling a joyful noise unto the Lord! To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. 25 Jokes About Lent You Don't Have To Be Religious To Appreciate. The other says "I wanna be a Lawyer". Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest, -It is. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, jewish, racist. Catholic (term): The word Catholic (usually written with uppercase C in English when referring to religious matters; derived via Late Latin catholicus, from the Greek adjective . Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour. "Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again." Theres no such name in my book., The Pope: Im the representative of God on Earth., St. Peter: Does God have a representative? In case you didnt know, some saints were well-known for having a good sense of humor. by. The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's all gone! the particle responds. "Might as well." Please stop bickering about such trivial matters, He knew that dying for the Christian faith would pave the way to his eternal reward and . Roses are red. Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray." Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! Below are 7 jokes that poke fun at Southern Baptists, other Christian denominations and faith traditions. A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. Absolutely ruthless. The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. A sense of humor is a gift from God. "What did you say?!" Feel free to check out www.mattvandervennet.bandcamp.com. Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles. Jokes about Catholics proved particularly popular, and not just satirical gags about the sexual peccadillos of some Catholic priests, which dominated the final list of the 10 most offensive jokes. Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!" An Eastern Orthodox priest was talking was discussing liturgical differences with a Catholic priest. Christmas.'. ", Condoms: they're what separate the men from the boys, Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest. On his first report card, his parents are shocked to see their son getting straight As. Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. Ratzinger responds He in Salt Lake City. Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he hits puberty. I said, "Don't jump." "Reformed Baptist Church of God." Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard) The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." The baker continues at his task, hardly taking notice. Church jokes placed well within a sermon are a treasure, and the right ones are hard to find but powerful to use. GuardianoftheSacraments, The particle replies "you can't have mass without me. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Catholic Jokes - Priest Jokes - Jokes4us.com. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one? A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. said Pat. A drunk man sits down on a subway train next to a Catholic priest. [i]-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have seventeen wives. A priest is drowning in a river. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic." Why couldn't Jonah trust the ocean? The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. God, T.O.R. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's easy! "Father, my dear old dog is dead. "I think I am pregnant." After her first husband died, she remarried and had 11 more children. 10. During world war II, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him. God is watching.' The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, So, have you thought about where to send him to school?, A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing when life begins. The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!" The first man says' Christmas. They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. With so much going on in the world, its important to take the time every once in a while and have a good laugh. he asked. I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. Jesus just sighed. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! When his parents ask him why, he says, Well, when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they were serious. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. Score: 12. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.". A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution. A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. /r/Catholicism is a place to present new developments in the world of Catholicism, discuss theological teachings of the Catholic Church, provide an avenue for reasonable dialogue amongst people of all beliefs, and grow in our own spirituality. They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house. St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. See more ideas about catholic memes, catholic humor, humor. Think of the Blessed Virgin" These are quite funny, thank you for sharing them. He was frightened. Here are 10 Catholics jokes Tasted TERRIBLE!" The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'" Is Jimmy Kimmel's Reaction to Kanye's Porn Habit How Most Catholics Would Respond? Funny quote written on a husband's t-shirt: If all are devils, my wife is the queen of them. One more and I'll have a golf course.". It's FREE! Please, please, please add your own good, CLEAN, Catholic jokes in the comments section. The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal." I made friends and family for life. He said they took all of their squirrels, baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter. Protestant or Catholic?" He says "leave me alone, god will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comfortable laughing at yourself and not taking life too seriously? And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop. One more and I'll have a basketball team." "Christian." Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. 22 Funny Catholic Jokes & Puns | LaffGaff, Home Of Laughter. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Search ID: CS143839. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. 55. When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Can you help us? He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house." At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face. Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" Copyright EpicPew. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys." When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate. The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. As the baker is working, the boy yells out, "My momma says there was a fly in the raisin bread.". I ran over and said, "Stop! With so much going on in the world, it's important to take the time every once in a while and have a good laugh. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. "Jesus said to John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." -He came fifth and received a toaster.". I am in apartment 301. A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face. Clean Comedy: 5 Ways To Find Clean, But Still Fun, Humor And Entertainment A Game Even The Pope Could Play? His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. Allow Necessary Cookies & Continue 11. A few weeks after her second husband died, Sandra also passed away. Score: 2. He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me." Matt Vander Vennet currently resides somewhere in central Illinois. What is it my son? the pope responds. "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. Then the Catholic Church must be a non-profit organization. I almost have a golf course!". As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. 43. I almost have a football team!" "What are you doing?!" By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbots office and says, Food stinks! The priest replied, "I mean her legs. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Funny things help us get through the humdrum of life. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."